Parlour Tricks
by grafitti
Summary: Pre-CoS Oneshot. Magic tricks are just illusions. They're not real. But Edward's found that sometimes you just gotta enjoy them. (AU where Ed passes alchemy as a magic trick and is a magician) Rated T for language only.


Note: Takes place Pre-CoS in a version where Ed is able to perform limited alchemy in our world.

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"It's a bunch of parlour tricks. Nobody need to tell me, I know a magic trick when I see one," the man grumbled, clearly not amused at Edward's antics. Around half of a deck sat in each of Ed's hands, and the ace of clubs lay by itself on the counter, having been the card that Ernst, the grumpy, cynical man had mentally chosen. "He's probably clipped the edges of a few cards. Or palmed it." His compatriots at the bar rolled their eyes, nursing their beers when they all decided that drinking was better than telling Ernst that he was being a real killjoy. Edward Elric only chuckled – if he weren't the one doing the magic tricks, he'd probably be Ernst; unimpressed with cheap tricks and misdirection, he would explain how it's all done and then some, at least until Alfons told him off for being an ass.

While he had at first scoffed at the idea of picking up magic, as Alfons suggested ("You need a hobby that isn't drinking coffee and reading journal publications, as much as that helps our projects," he had said. "Try magic tricks or something. Paint. Do woodcarvings. Something."), once he tried it he soon was reminded of all the times he would cheat at cards with Al, spare cards hidden artfully up his sleeve, provided he didn't accidentally let them fall out like on the way to Aquroya. Being a cardsharp was already one of his talents – why not expand a little to get some free drinks or a couple of tips? He told Alfons to fuck off, because he wasn't interested in illusions; not in this Other world. But what was one more? So Ed had given in.

"Jesus, fine, it was a trick, you twat," said Edward, though without any real heat. He stuffed the messy stack of cards into his coat pocket. A chorus of groans sounded, with all the complaints being directed towards Ernst. ("Nice going there, Ernst. Next time you'll up the ante and crash a kid's birthday party," "You never make a magician tell us that shit, Ernst!" and the ever popular "Fuck you Ernst!") Sure, Ed participated in a bit of… sleight of hand… But it all added to the effect. The point was the execution, not to get grown men to believe that Ed had some sort of mystical sway over probability. "This next one'll get you though; no one's been able to figure out how I do it." Ed assured the men at the bar, waving a hand across the way for dramatism.

A rousing cheer came up from the men, who raised their beer steins and yelled for entertainment as they slammed their hands on the polished counter. Waving away a bit of smoke from one man's cigar, Ed got up and sat himself in the middle of the bar, his stool right up by the bartender.

"Watch my hands closely… I'll make a glass appear!" He pushed up his sleeves, waggling fingers and showing off his arms to show there was nothing hidden. "Aaaaaand… Friedrich! I'd like a beer!" Ed stuck his left hand out, making desperate grasping motions for a pint. With nothing but a smirk, Friedrich the bartender dropped a stein full of beer in his palm, and put it down on the blondes tab. The men cheered, smacking him on the back, shouting his victory. ("Now that's some magic!" "Who needs card tricks when you got booze?" and so on.)

"…S'not glass though," muttered Ernst, which got him another round of groans.

"Ernst, we love that your cynicism's bigger than inflation, it's hilarious, but not right now."

"Well, it's not!" Ernst pointed at the mug in Ed's hand. It was a ceramic beer stein – one of the white ones with the robe-clad girl holding beer and radishes. Emblazoned across the bottom in black ink was ' _Gruss aus München_ '.

"Give the man a break, Hans, he just got dumped by yet another girl. Ah, which one was it this time?" chortled Pieter, a tall, muscled man with a head (and chin) full of platinum-blonde hair. "Was it Ingrid? Was iiiiit… _Martha_?" The men screamed and laughed, but were shushed by one of the younger men, who wanted everyone to hear Ernst's reply.

"…Both of them." The beer hall was filled with more screams and laughter, the honey brown drinks sloshing out the sides of their cups, forth bubbling on the edges of crisp white sleeves.

"That's what happens when you two-time your old lady like a jackass," laughed one of the men. Ernst just grunted and finished his pint, motioning for another.

"Take some poor pity on this man and show him your best trick, oh great and powerful Edward Elric," Pieter bowed deeply with a hand to Ernst, full theatricality on play. Well, in Ed's experience, it was always funnier if you played along. He threw a hand up to his forehead.

"Egad! Are you sure he can stomach it? Can he stand to see my incredible, _otherworldly_ talents?" The entire bar bounded on the counter, yelling at him to get on with it with full smiles on their faces. "You got it!" And Edward placed his empty beer mug in his handkerchief, holding the ends of the yellow cloth together like a rag. Friedrich handed him a hammer, having already seen the spectacle before, and Ed smashed the mug.

Ernst and a few other men yelped, having not realized that Ed's trick was no mere trick, but a skill. Ed pulled the cloth away, revealing only a bunch of shattered ceramic pieces. A few men sputtered, asking why he broke a perfectly good beer stein.

"Watch and behold, you fucking alcoholics." The blonde alchemist clapped his hands together, and hovered them above the shards. A touch of the impossible, a touch of true ability; no illusions. Immediately, sparks of bright blue light danced between his fingers and the sharp edges. Slowly, as Ed wanted the crowd to savor it, the pieces floated up to their bottom edges and melded back together, allowing the now whole beer stein to loudly clatter against the table when Ed released the energy. The entire hall erupted, screaming their praises at Ed's magnificent magic trick. Ernst was shocked, his mouth hanging open a little as he inspected the mug.

"This is amazing."

"More amazing than your two ladies getting' wise and ousting you on the same day?" Pieter clapped Ernst on the back, nearly snorting up his beer when he saw Ernst's hilarious glare. "Glad Ed managed to make your cynical ass enjoy a magic trick for once."

"…Whatever," Ernst sighed, knocking back his pint again. "Got anything else, Elric?" Ed snickered at Ernst's surrender.

"Sure do," Ed pulled out his cards again. "Ever seen me make one of these things disappear?" Ernst called bullshit. And it was, because the corners of the card that Edward had vanished were just held very carefully by the back of his hand, ready to be flipped back out when he wanted to make it reappear. The long-haired blonde laughed, denying that it was anything but a real illusion.

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A/N: I really like the idea of Ed performing magic, especially since he's an alchemist who doesn't believe in magic. With illusions and card tricks, I guess I can see it because it's smaller, and it's all technique and misdirection. I think it would eat Ed up a little for him to pass off alchemy as magic tricks, as for him, it is most certainly not, but in the end, I don't think he cares too much about what basic strangers think of it. I actually have this sort of idea for another oneshot, but with Roy, and two multichapters based on this concept. Granted, it's just ideas.


End file.
